Why Am I not Over the Infidelity Yet? (and three tips for moving on)
How often have you wondered why you aren’t getting over the infidelity, or worried that you are “taking to long” to feel better? You are not alone if you have, and contrary to what you might think, you are exactly where you are supposed to be!
The Four Reasons Why You Aren’t Over the Infidelity Yet:
You don’t have a new narrative that makes sense of it all: Humans are meaning-making machines. Until we make sense of what happened, and create a narrative that makes sense, we will stay stuck in the trauma and drama of the situation. Worse, we live in a society that doesn’t talk about infidelities, and the narratives that are out there don’t usually fit our situation, leaving us feeling lost and confused.
You haven’t decided what you want yet: Making decisions is scary! Whether it’s fear of judgment, fear of failure, or fear of success, making decisions requires us to publicly put our stake in the ground and claim what we want for all to see. It makes us vulnerable. It exposes us to others. But unless we decide what we want, we keep ourselves in a state of indecision, where we can’t heal, we can’t move on, and we can’t’ get over it. Which ironically, sometimes feels safer than making a decision and moving on.
You are unwilling to let it go: What if you let it go? What happens then? Does it mean the marriage didn’t mean as much as you wanted it to? Does it mean you made a mistake? Does it mean you have to grow up/shift/change in a way that you aren’t quite ready to do? Does it mean you have to take responsibility for something you’re not ready to own or to see? Maybe you don’t want to let HIM off the hook and move on “too quickly” because you don’t want to make things too “easy” for him and you’d rather punish him by showing him how miserable you are.
Greif takes time. Rebuilding yourself, you life, your identity, and grieving the loss of who you thought your partner was, takes time. We all grieve on our own schedules. New grief has a tendency to open old wounds that perhaps, weren’t completely healed. Infidelity raises mother wounds, father wounds, abandonment wounds, safety wounds, fears of being alone, or too old or too ugly, wounds of not being enough, wounds of insecurity, self-worth, you name it. You aren’t over it, because you aren’t over it, because there is a lot to move through and process. Give yourself grace and space and time.
How to Come to Terms with What Happened:
Plan your work and work your plan: Recovery doesn’t just happen. Time heals a lot, but it won’t heal this. Infidelity is too big and impacts you on too many levels. Make a list of the things you need help with, whether it’s legal, financial, educational, or spiritual. What are the steps you need to do to make progress in each of those areas? Using the 4 areas above, what are the steps you need to do to get through each area? Where do you need support? Who can you ask for help? What else do you need?
Own your strengths and focus on you: You are the only person you can control. When you stop focusing on others, stop wishing things were different, and start owning and using your strengths, you feel stronger and “get better” fast!
Remember to FLAUNT! Facing any kind of trauma or upset causes us to shrink to protect ourselves. That’s fine for the short-run, but don’t let this new, compressed state become your new normal. Remember, you deserve to open back up again, to connect to your heart, your beauty, and your divine soul. FLAUNT! in an acronym that reminds you of what to do. So, always remember to FLAUNT!
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About Lora:
Lora Cheadle is an attorney, TEDx speaker, and betrayal recovery coach who helps women turn their devastation into an invitation to rise up and reign. Whether reclaiming what they let go of along the way, rebuilding their identity, or stepping into a stronger sense of self-trust and self-worth, Lora’s expert guidance empowers women to uncover the truth™ of what they are capable of and deserve. After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand the skills and strategies necessary to stop feeling broken and start living fully and freely. She is licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, is a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, advanced integrated energy practitioner, and is certified to teach yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal train. She is the author of the International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self and host of the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. She lives in Colorado and loves travel, adventure, and a good book.
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